Delusions of Grandeur
by alynwa
Summary: Written for the Bonus Great Episode Challenge, Halloween edition. Count Zark addresses the THRUSH Central Committee.


In Season Two's "The Bat Cave Affair," Count Zark is infuriated to realize that Illya Kuryakin is unfamiliar with him. "I have fantasies of UNCLE giving orders: 'Get Zark at any price!' and here you've never even heard of me!"

The challenge is: Write a story that explains why Zark felt he was, or should have been, one of UNCLE's most wanted.

The Chair of THRUSH's Central Committee reconvened the meeting to order by pounding his gavel. "Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. I trust you all enjoyed your lunch. Again, I'd like to thank THRUSH Europe for 'intercepting' that shipment of foie gras, caviar and crates of filet mignon meant for President de Gaulle's residence and donating it for our dining pleasure. We're coming to my favorite part of the agenda: Presentations from our mid – level associates of their plans to destroy UNCLE." The Number Ones and their entourage groaned in unison. "Now, now, people, let's not be rude. Let's hear everyone out. The sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be finished." He looked at his Sergeant at Arms. "Bring in Count Zark."

The Count swept into the room, pointedly ignoring the sniggering from around the conference table as he placed a covered birdcage in the center. The giggling stopped as he flung his cape back behind his shoulders and lifted the cover with a flourish to reveal the cage contained four rather large black bats. "Mr. Chairman, members of the Central Committee, I present to you UNCLE's downfall!"

The stunned group turned as one to look at their leader. "Count Zark," the Chairman said, "Are you going to tell us that _bats_ will bring down UNCLE?"

"I have already begun! This Halloween will be the fourth in a row that my bats will be released to terrify UNCLE personnel all over the world!"

At this declaration, everyone leaned toward him with intense interest. "Are you saying that you know where their headquarters are?" the Chairman asked.

"No, not exactly. What I mean is that I send my beauties out at sunset in the cities where I think their offices are located. I can control them electronically so I order them to find UNCLE agents and chase them! UNCLE must know about me and my trained bats! I'm sure they have a price on my head!" His smile faded as everyone except the Chairman began to laugh and guffaw hysterically.

"Order! You will come to order _now!"_ the Chairman yelled as he banged his gavel bringing the Committee to dead silence. "I will have you all know that the Count is a loyal member of THRUSH and deserves our respect! I will not tolerate anyone laughing to his face!" He turned to the caped man standing at the front of the room. "Thank you, Count Zark. I know you are launching your plan to disrupt air travel next week. When you file that report, you will let me know how your Halloween attack on UNCLE panned out, yes?"

"Yes, Chairman, thank you."

"Sergeant at Arms, please escort Count Zark back to the reception area and remain there until I call you to bring another presenter to us."

Count Zark replaced the cover on the birdcage, picked it up and then bowed deeply to the Chairman. "Thank you for your time." He then walked out of the room followed by the Sergeant at Arms.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," the Chairman said, "we really must be more ah hahaha, more…" He couldn't hold back any longer and began to laugh so hard, tears began to roll down his cheeks. "Now you see why this is my favorite part of my agenda!" He waved his hand to show the others it was alright to join in the laughter.

The Chief Agent of South America raised his hand and asked, "So, it is alright to laugh, just not so they hear it?"

"Of course! We don't want our associates to know that _we_ know whether or not they're insane. And, make no mistake: Count Zark is insane, but he does have one good idea that if he can bring it to fruition, we need to be able to use it for our gain."

South America's Number One nodded his agreement. "I agree with you and my agent. I think I speak for us all when I tell you there will be no laughter while a presenter is in the room."

"Excellent. I think it's time to bring in our next presenter."


End file.
